Parents:You Need a Break Too, And It's Okay to Take One.

I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas Holiday if you celebrate Christmas and if not a wonderful weekend.

This week I am going to briefly step into an arena I typically stay away from. Don’t worry we won’t be staying long but I just couldn’t help myself after a couple of interactions with clients and friends this last week. This arena is parenting. I generally don’t say anything about parenting or how people chose to raise their kids for two reasons. One, I think there are lots of ways to raise healthy happy kids and if they are loved and cared for, who is anyone to decided which is the best way. Two, I don’t have kids of my own, I know nothing about what it is like to be a parent and therefore feel I shouldn’t comment on the subject.

But last week as I sat with a single father of a teenage boy (the boy has some significant mental health struggles) and listened to him sob because of the guilt he felt for wanting to have a night away from his son and to be able to do something by himself even once in a while I thought to myself enough is enough. I also have friends who have children of varying ages and often feel as though they have to do everything for their kids and find a way for them to have everything they want, and to feel as though they can never have a girls night or a night out with friends because they are parents and they should be there for their kids. And to do otherwise causes some of my friends an intense level of guilt like they have failed as a parent.

Here is what I say to that client sobbing in my office and to all my friends that feel is way, your kids will survive I promise and you are not a bad parent for wanting to do adult things with other adults and leave your kids at home. In fact, it is good for you and probably good for your kids too. We take breaks from almost everything else in life, work, relationships, friends, etc why wouldn’t we take a break from your kids too?

You ARE NOT a bad person for needing a break.

 First and foremost this is a win win for you and your children. Your children win because if their parents are happy then they will be happy as well. Sometimes I think we forget how much our moods as adults can affect children. If you are constantly stressed out, tired, and generally frazzled, you children, regardless of their age, will pick up on this and it will begin to affect their well-being, they may start to feel stress or feel pressure to not upset you further. I think we can all agree that’s NOT what we are going for.

Second, it’s a win for you because you are attending to and taking care of the person that exists outside of being a parent. Despite having children and having that change your world in wonderful and challenging ways there is still a person outside of being a parent that needs time and attention. Whatever hobbies or interests you had before becoming a parent are still there and will mostly likely still bring joy to your life, which will probably make you happier and then you kids are happier. . .see how this circle is starting to come together.

Third, I think it’s good for kids to have some time away from their parents because it helps them learn to be respectful and listen to other adults not just their parents, and it give them an opportunity to learn to function in the world independently and way from their parents. And I know you all want that, my friends tell me all the time “I love my kids but when they are 18 they are moving out” this is often said in jest, but there is some truth in jest and if you want your kids out on their own, they have to start learning these things early and often.

 Now I know what some of you are saying. Andrea, this all sounds great but we don’t have a babysitter, we can’t afford a babysitter. Or maybe it’s that the kids have so many activities that you can’t find a night away. Or maybe for you it’s the guilt I was talking about earlier and you feel that unless you have a good reason or event you don’t have a right to have a night “off” from parental responsibilities. Allow me to address each of these individually.

First of all depending on the age of your children you might not need a babysitter at all. I will not presume to know what is best for you or your children nor will I arbitrarily pick an age and say that all kids are ready to stay home alone at that age. But what I will say is that when I was as young as 10 I was staying home alone with my younger sister for short periods of time (15-20 minutes) while my parents ran errands and we built up from there. If you do need a babysitter there are lots of ways to find a good babysitter you can trust, websites, talk to other parents, local agencies that teach babysitting classes. If you can’t afford a babysitter who do you know that would help out? You might be surprised. I often watch a friend’s child so that she and her husband can have a date night. I love spending time with their son and so really it’s as much for me as them. You never know who might be willing to help until you ask.

 Now if the issue is that you are spending all of your time taking kids to activities several nights of the week I would gently suggest taking a look at trimming down the number of activities. I could write a whole separate post about that but I will save that for another time. If trimming down the number of activities isn’t an option it might be time to start investigating getting a car pool going. That way you aren’t responsible for taking kids to practice EVERY night and simultaneously helping other parents find some down time as well. Then you know where your kids are safe and sound and you can have some time with a spouse or a friend.

Finally, the guilt. I don’t know when in our society we decided that it was okay to judge parents for how they raise their kids and how they chose to take care of themselves. Like I stated above I don’t have kids of my own but my understanding is that they are supposed to be a joy that adds to your life not an 18 year prison sentence that requires you giving up every other part of your being. I came from a home with two working parents that were involved in community activities and committees that took them away from home at night and we were regularly left with a babysitter so that my parents could do things socially. I am also a fully functional adult with a master’s degree who has a job and does not begrudge my parents for not spending every waking moment by my side. Guilt is probably the hardest of these to overcome, but remember this, your kids WILL be okay for a few hours now and then without you. And you will be a HAPPIER parent if you take care of the man/woman behind the parent. So give yourself permission to take a break regardless of what anyone else thinks. . .YOU DESERVE IT!!!!

Please note that as I stated above I am NOT a parent, I don’t pretend to be an expert on the subject, and I am CERTAINLY not telling anyone how to raise their children. This blog is based solely on my experiences working as a therapist and with friends that have children.