"Living in the Past"

“Living in the past”, often said with a tone implying this is a bad or unhealthy thing. Implying we should let go of things that have happened in our past, particularly the bad stuff, and live in the present. Many of my clients have had family and friends tell them to stop living in the past when they are having particularly bad days with flashbacks or memories. For the first time, I can remember, this weekend someone said this to me in the middle of a heated discussion and I was surprised by how deeply it stung me when that person said it. With one statement it felt as though that person had dismissed my feelings and, on some level, me. It caused me to start thinking about this idea of living in the past and the consequences of being told we should stop living there.

We all have a past. However many years you have been on this planet, you have that many years’ worth of memories. Some of them so good you still smile when you think about them, some of them so painful that when they cross your mind they stop you in your tracks. Regardless of good or bad, they are our memories and they will be forever. That being said memories are not just a record of events in our lives like photographs or video we can go back and enjoy when we feel like. Memories are linked to events, things that have happened that have changed how we think and feel, sometimes events are so impactful they change our behaviors and how we approach the world around us.

So if you think about it from that perspective, telling someone to “stop living in the past” is like telling them to forget who they are and how they’ve gotten here. To completely abandon the things that have shaped them into the person they are. And rarely is someone told to stop living in the past when they are talking about that big promotion they got six months ago or that time they made the Dean’s list in college, or any other major, life changing, positive event. It’s usually when someone is struggling with missing a family member they lost, or they react a certain way to people that yell at them because it reminds them of an abusive parent.

After my experience this weekend I believe that being told to “stop living in the past” is one of the most dismissive things that can be said to a person who is struggling or is trying to express their feelings. That statement implies that we are in complete control of our emotions and reactions at all times. We can’t always help how we think, feel, or react to a situation, furthermore, even if we know certain things are triggers we can be caught off guard or surprised by something.

At the end of the day, we all respond to things differently and our brains have different needs in terms of processing and accepting circumstances we have been through. Some of those circumstances are so dramatic we are changed forever. So my call to everyone is this. Be gentle with each other. Be kind to each other. And always remember that everyone you meeting is struggling with something you know nothing about.  If were all a little more patient with each other this world would be a much better place.

That being said, if you know someone that is being crippled by past experiences (i.e. anxiety so severe they can’t leave their house for fear they would be attacked). There is nothing wrong with loving suggesting to them they consider getting professional help so that they can continue to live their life to the fullest and not let their experiences take from them. Just please PLEASE don’t tell them to “stop living in the past”.

Feeling Overwhelmed???

Hey Everyone. I hope that you are having a wonderful start to your 2016 and that all your dreams are starting to come true. In 2016 I have pretty much hit the ground running. Work has been busy, new clients coming in. I’ve started teaching an online class and started building a class for the next term. I have started the planning for an upcoming vacation and already in 2016 I have met some new people and started building new relationships. Needless to say 2016 has been off to a good start. But if you read through that list and got a little bit tired or overwhelmed let me tell you, you are not alone.

I am loving everything about 2016 so far but WOW, I feel like I have been running for 2 weeks straight and have had very little time to breathe. I will be the first to acknowledge that my self-care routine has probably suffered more than I realize in the last couple of weeks. There have also been times where I have felt so overwhelmed I wasn’t even sure where to start or what to think. The rest of the time I find myself sitting at my desk with a new browser window open and my phone in my hand ready to do something and can’t for the life of me remember what I was going to do with either of those things. Or I’m wandering around my house with about 18 things on my brain that I need to do but accomplishing none of those things.

Anyone out there every feel like that raise your hand. We’ve all had times when life feels completely overwhelming. Thankfully over the years I have developed some very simple things that I can do that will help ground me back in reality and get a handle on what needs to get done and how I can get started. So allow me to share the 3 simple things I do when I’m feeling overwhelmed to help me feel like my feet are back on the ground.

1. Breathe. Generally speaking this is the first step to anything you want to do. Breathe. There are about a million ways to breathe if your goal is relaxation or combating anxiety. Just google “breathing techniques” and you will see what I mean. However two of my favorite breathing exercises are 4-7-8 breathing. In 4-7-8 breathing you breathe in 4 counts, hold 7 counts, and out for 8 counts. If you need a little help getting started here is a great video that will talk you through it. My other favorite breathing exercise is square breathing. That’s a pretty simple one as well and I’ve included a diagram below to explain how to do it.

2. Make it Manageable. While I am a HUGE advocate of making lists sometimes the very thing that can help me stay on track and make sure I don’t miss anything can add to my feeling of being overwhelmed as they get longer and longer. For example Friday afternoon I was sitting at home thinking of all the things that I wanted/needed to get done this weekend. As the list grew in my head I started thinking I am going to have to work all weekend and I won’t even get half of what I need to done. As I was getting more and more overwhelmed I stopped myself and then did some breathing. Then I started breaking things down into really small pieces. Instead of thinking I need work on class stuff, I broke it down even further, grading papers, grading discussion questions, writing a quiz. Then I picked one to start with and focus on and put the rest aside while I focused on grading discussion questions. And you know what it didn’t take near as long as I felt like it was going to and when it was done I felt like I had accomplished something and it motivated me to continue on to the next thing. I don’t care how small you have to break things down to but get the to do list into bite size pieces that feel manageable and just pick ONE to start with and set the rest aside till that one thing is done.

 3. Take a break. I know I am guilty of not following this bit of advice. When things get busy and to do lists get long I often find myself running around like a crazy person, half of me thinking “just take a break and breathe for a minute” and the other half of my brain screaming “THERE IS NOT TIME FOR BREAKS THERE IS TOO MUCH TO DO”. But here is the reality we HAVE to take breaks, if we don’t we end up investing all our energy into running around like chickens with our heads cut off and actually accomplishing very little. Now I will grant you that there may legitimately not be time to take an entire day off or to do big things for breaks but there is ALWAYS time for a little break. Little ways I like to take a break are you play a game on my phone for a few minutes (the catch there is you need to be able to stop yourself), watch your favorite YouTube video, take a few extra minutes in the shower (I love showers and feel like they can “fix” just about anything), or buy myself my favorite sweet treat to enjoy that evening after a long day. These are just a few things that don’t take much time or money and can be a quick boost to your motivation and can take away some of that feeling of being overwhelmed.

So there you have it, my 3 easy tips for managing those times in life when life itself gets a little overwhelming. As for me I’m going to go take a quick break and then move on to the next manageable piece of my to do list. :)

A New Year, A Time of Reflection

Happy 2016!!!

Every year when the calendar changes to a new year it feels like a natural time to reflect on the year that has passed and get ready for the fresh start a new chapter if you will. As I look back on my 2015, there is no doubt it was been a rough year, and it would be easy for me to lament about all the things that didn’t go according to plan or the heartbreak of the last year. Goals were set at the beginning of the year, some of them attained, some of them I came up short on. A friendship that was very important to me ended. . .badly. I mean for heaven sake I had a house fire in the spring. That’s enough to make anyone a little crazy.

Like I said it would be easy, and trust there have been days, to sit back and discount 2015 as a crappy year that I can’t wait to be done with and hope that 2016 is better. But if I take time to pause and really think about things, there have been some WONDERFUL things about 2015 as well. I’ve met lots of new people and started new friendships, some of them in real life and some of them via the internet. These new additions to my life have certainly made my life better and I have enjoyed getting to know each and every one of them. Business has been solid this year and continuing to grow. And I’ve spent a lot of time changing and growing and healing wounds from the past, not always a fun process but definitely a positive.

We all have highs and lows

 As I looked at both sides of the coin that is 2015, I came to a realization. Had the crappy things not happened this year many of the good things wouldn’t have happened either. Had the fire not happened I would have still had a beautiful new bathroom but the insurance money allowed me to do some additional updates to the house that I had been wanting to do for years. Struggling with the disappointment of not being able to compete in half marathon lead to weekend of intense anxiety which in turn lead to me finding a community of people online that have been a wonderful addition to my life. That weekend also lead to me finding one of the best books ever about anxiety that has helped me AND tons of my clients. I could definitely go on but you get the idea.

Almost everything in life has a good and a bad side too it. Sometimes it’s hard to see and we don’t always see it right away. But most of the time something good comes out of the struggle. Now please hear me out, I’m not saying that when life smacks you in the face you should be happy it happened and start looking for the silver lining. It’s okay to struggle and suffer and cry and scream and throw a fit like a 2 year old, sometimes life sucks and it’s okay to feel it. But once you get through the hard days and the hard parts and have come out the other side look for those positives;

What did you learn about yourself?

How have you changed for the better?

What opportunities came from this experience?

What would have never happened had it not been for this?

I hope that regardless of how your 2015 went you are able to look back and see that you are a stronger better version of yourself then at the start of 2015. And I hope that your 2016 is everything that you hope and dream it will be.

 We are 4 days into the New Year, and I’ve started that process again, making goals and setting hopes and dreams for 2016. I don’t know what this year will bring or what will happen. I’m sure there will be more ups and downs just like every year. But what I can say for sure is this. Despite lows of 2015, now that I’ve come out the other side, I wouldn’t change a thing. Without the lows I would have missed some REALLY good highs and at the end of the day I wouldn’t trade the highs for anything.