"Living in the Past"

“Living in the past”, often said with a tone implying this is a bad or unhealthy thing. Implying we should let go of things that have happened in our past, particularly the bad stuff, and live in the present. Many of my clients have had family and friends tell them to stop living in the past when they are having particularly bad days with flashbacks or memories. For the first time, I can remember, this weekend someone said this to me in the middle of a heated discussion and I was surprised by how deeply it stung me when that person said it. With one statement it felt as though that person had dismissed my feelings and, on some level, me. It caused me to start thinking about this idea of living in the past and the consequences of being told we should stop living there.

We all have a past. However many years you have been on this planet, you have that many years’ worth of memories. Some of them so good you still smile when you think about them, some of them so painful that when they cross your mind they stop you in your tracks. Regardless of good or bad, they are our memories and they will be forever. That being said memories are not just a record of events in our lives like photographs or video we can go back and enjoy when we feel like. Memories are linked to events, things that have happened that have changed how we think and feel, sometimes events are so impactful they change our behaviors and how we approach the world around us.

So if you think about it from that perspective, telling someone to “stop living in the past” is like telling them to forget who they are and how they’ve gotten here. To completely abandon the things that have shaped them into the person they are. And rarely is someone told to stop living in the past when they are talking about that big promotion they got six months ago or that time they made the Dean’s list in college, or any other major, life changing, positive event. It’s usually when someone is struggling with missing a family member they lost, or they react a certain way to people that yell at them because it reminds them of an abusive parent.

After my experience this weekend I believe that being told to “stop living in the past” is one of the most dismissive things that can be said to a person who is struggling or is trying to express their feelings. That statement implies that we are in complete control of our emotions and reactions at all times. We can’t always help how we think, feel, or react to a situation, furthermore, even if we know certain things are triggers we can be caught off guard or surprised by something.

At the end of the day, we all respond to things differently and our brains have different needs in terms of processing and accepting circumstances we have been through. Some of those circumstances are so dramatic we are changed forever. So my call to everyone is this. Be gentle with each other. Be kind to each other. And always remember that everyone you meeting is struggling with something you know nothing about.  If were all a little more patient with each other this world would be a much better place.

That being said, if you know someone that is being crippled by past experiences (i.e. anxiety so severe they can’t leave their house for fear they would be attacked). There is nothing wrong with loving suggesting to them they consider getting professional help so that they can continue to live their life to the fullest and not let their experiences take from them. Just please PLEASE don’t tell them to “stop living in the past”.