Alvin, He's a Sneaky Bastard

The clock is fasting approaching 10pm on Sunday night and I have exactly one sentence written for this blog. I had the idea for this blog in my head for the better part of the week and just haven’t had the motivation to sit down and work on it. I could make a lot of excuses about being busy and tired but the reality is a sneaky monster that hides in the shadows crept up on me and zapped my motivation to do much of anything other than sit on the couch and watch YouTube videos. What’s that sneaky monster’s name you ask? Well in my world that sneaky monster’s name is Alvin, but the rest of you many know him as depression.

Yep I named my depression. It was an idea I stole from Duff thePsych, I talked about his book on anxiety a while back. It helps me in a couple of ways, it reminds me that depression is not who I am, it’s simply a visitor and it gives me something to focus on when I’m fighting back. But like I stated Alvin is a sneaky guy and occasionally sneaks up on me so slowly and covertly that I don’t even notice he’s back until I am in the midst of it.  He lurks in the shadows, and latches on the natural downs of life and starts to convince me that they are downs that will last forever and things will never go up again. That is exactly what happened to me in the last couple of weeks.

Alvin has been part of my life for a long time, probably my whole life. But I first got to know Alvin really well when I was in college. I worked long and hard to build up my arsenal of tools and weapons to kick Alvin in the face when he starts taking up a little too much space in my brain. But apparently as I have gotten stronger in fighting Alvin, Alvin has gotten sneakier on how he starts taking up space. This time he was so sneaky I didn’t even realize he was coming for a visit until I was right in the thick of it.

About a week and a half ago I was part of a live stream to preview a couple of chapters from Duff’s new book (super excited) and he was reading a chapter about motivation and the ways in which depression sucks that right out of you. As I was listening I was thinking that sounds a lot like me right now. . .and then it hit me like a bolt of lightening. . .wait a minute am I depressed???? So I did a quick check in with myself and really thought about my behavior over the last week and holy shit, what do ya know Alvin came for a visit and the sneaky bastard didn’t even warn me he as coming and set up shop without me even noticing.

But what happened next was really confusing to me. Rather than immediately jumping to action, grabbing the nearest depression slaying weapon, I went even further under Alvin’s spell and got even more depressed. Because clearly it was my fault that I was depressed, I let Alvin come back and I should have caught it sooner, I should know better by now right? Right? You see all of these things are lies that Alvin tells me about who am and what kind of person I am because I struggle with visits from him in the first place. These are the types of down Alvin likes to latch on to and blow out of proportion.

Alvin casting his spell.

Let me state the most important part of that last paragraph again. . .THESE ARE LIES. The fact that Alvin is part of my life says NOTHING about the type of person I am or how I measure up as a human being. It simply means that my brain is wired differently than other people’s brains. It’s not my fault that my brain is wired that way and it doesn’t make me a lesser person because of it. That is just the particular genetic lottery I won I guess.

The incredibly frustrating thing about depression is that it is often, what we call in the biz, recurrent. Meaning you may have an episode of depression that lasts for a while (minimum 2 weeks, but can last for much longer) and then you start to come out of it and feel better. And you may feel better for weeks, months or even years and then at some point you have another episode of depression. It is the part that I find most aggravating about depression as do most of my clients. You are in what is probably the darkest place you have been in your life and you fight like hell to get out of it. Finally everything is going well again and at then all of the sudden, BAM you are back in it despite your best efforts to take care of yourself.

If you have been in that place or are in that place now let me just say I feel your pain. I know it sucks, hard core, but it’s not your fault. Don’t let your Alvin convince you that the lies he is peddling are true.  We’ve been here before, we have an arsenal of weapons to use to hurry Alvin’s exit along, and we will beat him again. You just have to muster the energy to open the arsenal and pick up that first weapon. As hard as that can be in the midst of a visit from Alvin if we can pick up that first weapon we will win in the end.

As I indicated at the beginning of this blog, this is not being written on the “other side” where I have come through the darkness and are back to my normal self. I am still  in the midst of battling Alvin to get him evicted from my brain space. As evidence to that, it is now well past 11pm on that same Sunday night. Writing this has been a challenge because Alvin keeps telling me to quit, it just requires so. much. energy. And that no one cares about I have to say anyway (which might be true but isn’t really why I like to blog anyway) But pushing through to the end and finishing this blog is my win against Alvin tonight and puts me one step closer to evicting that little pain in the ass.

Avoiding Secondary Trauma

I’m sitting here on Saturday morning scrolling through my social media accounts seeing story after story regarding the events in Paris yesterday. And the Saturday morning news in the background is also playing multiple stories about Paris. I feel sick to my stomach with every new post and find myself asking a number of questions that we will probably never have answers for. Why did this happen? How can people think that violence is accomplishing anything? What does the future of our world look like if we continue on this path? All of these are natural questions to ask, unfortunately they are also questions that don’t have answers.

In the days and probably weeks to come Paris will be in the news and on social media, and at times will probably feel like it’s everywhere you look. And rightfully so, we should be aware of what is happening in other parts of the world, and we should come together as the human race and mourn the loss of life and trauma in Paris. However in this day and age of 24 hours news channels and the constant stream of information coming at us through social media we can be at risk for becoming overwhelmed and over exposed to traumatic images and information.

Being constantly bombarded with traumatic stories and images can result in Secondary Trauma. This is most commonly thought of as it pertains to professionals who help people who have experienced trauma. This includes all types of professionals from mental health counselors, to firefighters and police officers, to journalists, anyone who works with and/or assists individuals that have experienced trauma. Symptoms of secondary trauma mimic those of Post-Traumatic Stress disorder, including intrusive thoughts, fatigue, fearfulness, and difficulty concentrating.

Why do I bring up secondary trauma? Because people who watch a constant barrage of eye witness accounts, traumatic videos and images, and in general are overwhelmed with anyone traumatic event can also experience symptoms of secondary trauma. I can remember when Hurricane Katrina and the aftermath was happening. It was constantly on the news, images of people wading through waste deep water to safety, people stranded on the roofs of their homes, bodies in the flood waters. For days and weeks these images were on the TV and internet everywhere you looked. It seems to always be a topic of conversation. There came a point where I it felt like that was all I was thinking about, and I was searching out more information in an effort to be “informed”. In the end I had to make the choice to step away and refocus my energy on what was going on in my life.

So as we face yet another global tragedy that will most likely consume the media for weeks to come allow me to offer some suggestions and tips on how you can take care of yourself and avoid symptoms of secondary trauma.

1. What your feeling is okay.

First and foremost, we all have our own personal reaction to any event. Some people will be sad, some angry and still others will react with fear. Whatever your thoughts and feelings were upon first hearing about the events in Paris is okay and 100% valid. The best thing you can do is allow yourself to feel and experience whatever emotion came up for you. Don't worry about having the right response or over or under reacting just feel your feelings, whatever they are.

2. Take breaks

Probably the most important thing we can do for ourselves is to take a break from the constant stream of information. Maybe that means taking a day off of watching the news, or staying off social media for a few hours or a day. For me I have a news app on my phone that alerts me to breaking news. I made the decision this morning to shut off notifications for a while because every time I picked up my phone there as a new alert and I was beginning to feel overwhelmed.  I know in this day and age it can be hard to disengage for fear we will miss something. But when it comes to stories like Paris they are often reporting the same things over and over again, because it takes a while for new information to come out. And even if you do miss something its okay, you’ll catch up when you are mentally ready to take that information on.

3. It’s okay to enjoy your life.

As my social media feeds fill with more and more stories, memes, a statements about Paris (or any traumatic event) I start to feel like my funny pictures of my cat, silly joke I heard, or commentary on my day is trivial in comparison and that I shouldn’t post them or talk about them. The reality is that it is okay to enjoy your life and laugh in the midst of tragedy.  We don’t have to be solemn and sad all the time. It’s okay to tell a joke your heard, it’s okay to laugh, and it’s okay to count your blessings and be grateful that your family and friends are safe and then go about your day and life with a smile. And truthfully seeing or hearing something that is funny or mundane about life might be a nice break for someone else you is struggling at the moment.

4. Talk to someone.

One of the many ways we has humans process our experiences is verbally. Talking through what you are thinking of feeling about an event can help your brain make sense of things or at the very least make peace with things. While my advice earlier was to not let the bad things consume your life and your thoughts you can’t completely avoid what has happened either. Acknowledging that something has had an effect on you will also help you move through those emotions. Really, as with many things in life, it is finding a balance between an event being your sole focus and pretending like nothing happened.

If you feel as though the difficulty you are having is out of the norm or you're having trouble getting things under control don’t be afraid to reach out to a professional. You don’t have to have serious or chronic issues to see a therapist. Sometimes people just need a few sessions to process through one thing or get themselves back on track.

In the coming days as we hear more and more about what happened in Paris, and the images fill our TV screens and our social media feeds please make sure that you are taking care of yourself and doing what is best for you. Don’t feel obligated to continue to follow the stories if it becoming overwhelming and don’t feel guilty about continuing on with your life and feeling good despite the suffering in other parts of the world. Take care of yourself, first and foremost.

Please note that this blog entry was written prior to me learning of the attacks in Lebanon. It was not my intention to leave them out or make them seem unimportant. It has definitely been a tragic weekend around the world.

6 Tips On Supporting Someone in Grief

About a month ago I wrote about my grief experience and losing my Mom and a little bit in general what the grief process is like. (Check that post out HERE). As promised in that posted I have compiled a list of ideas and thoughts on how you can support someone through the grief process. This is by no means and exhaustive list, however these are the main ideas I have from my own experience along with the feedback and experiences of clients I have worked with.

1. Don't be afraid to reach out.

Often times people think that we should leave people alone who are experiencing a loss and let them come to us if they need something.  I can tell you from personal experience after my mom died I didn't have the presence of mind to think about contacting people but would have welcomed a phone call, email or text message.  Even if you don't hear back from the person often it is appreciated just to be thought of when you are feeling so totally lost you don't even know which way is up. If you aren't sure what to say something as simple as "Thinking of you" or "I love you" can bring more comfort than you know.

2. Let me know if you need anything.

Don't ever say this phrase to a person who is grieving unless you absolutely mean it. Nothing sucks more than having everyone and brother tell you that if you need anything let them know.  And then when you muster the energy to reach out to someone, they are too busy to help out or help out but act like it's an inconvenience. Keep in mind needing anything could include everything from picking someone up from the airport, to needing a place for someone to stay, to needing someone shoulder to cry on.  If you aren't up for anything then be specific about what you can or are willing to do or don't say anything.  No one will be offended or probably even notice if you don't offer to help out. It's okay if you aren't able to help at that time they will understand and will still love you.

3. Don't ask, just do.

While we appreciate the offers to help if needed and to just let you know, the reality is that sometimes people in the midst of grief don't know what they need.  Sometimes it's better to just let people know what you are going to do for them and if that doesn't work or they don't want that they will let you know.  Most of the time people in the midst of grief have so many things on their mind they aren't going to fight anyone offering help.  A close friend of mine lost her mother about 11 months ago and when we talked on the phone she started talking about all the things she needed to do for work etc.  I told her to give me her log in information for work (we work together) and I would take care of her appointments and I would watch the cat while they were out of town.  She asked me once if I was sure, I said yes and that was the end of the discussion. I also tried to do a few little things around the house that I knew she would appreciate while I was cat sitting.  They seem like little things but can mean the WORLD to someone who is struggling with grief.

4. You can't make it better so it's okay to not try.

Sometimes people have a hard time just being and not doing something to make a situation better, however sometimes in the floundering of trying to come up with what to do or say we end up inadvertently saying something hurtful. This one is very personal to me and is some of the same feed back from others I have worked with people struggling with grief. We know our loved ones desperately want to make us feel better and they have the best of intentions but sometimes people would say things that quite honestly would make me want to punch them in the face.  Here is a short list of things I would recommend staying AWAY from unless you know the person well enough to know these will bring them comfort;

• "They are in a better place now" or "They aren't suffering anymore" - I know that but it doesn't make me feel better about them being gone.
• "God never gives us more than we can handle" - Well quite frankly right now I feel he expects too much
• "It's all part of a bigger plan" - Even if a person in grief believe in a higher power that has a bigger plan most likely in their grief they don't care about the plan.

If you don't know what to say it's okay to say nothing and just sit with someone.  Or keep it simple "I love you" or "I'm so sorry this happened".

5. Don't be afraid to talk about our loved ones.

Yes sometimes when you talk about our loved ones we are going to get sad and cry but that's not your fault, that was probably going to happen anyway. I have been told by clients of mine that one of the things they fear is that their loved one is going to be forgotten after their death.  Hearing other people tell stories or talk about our loved ones can be reassuring that they aren't going to be forgotten and might give us an opportunity to learn things about our loved ones that we didn't know before.

6. Lastly and maybe most importantly; Listen.

Even if we just cry or we tell the same story 15 times, whether it's been 6 days, 6 months or 6 years since the death just be willing to listen when we need it or when we are having a bad day.  We don't expect you to fix it, truly we don't, we just want someone to listen to what we have to say.  Being heard and on any level understood is one of the greatest gifts a person can receive.

So as we move into the Holiday season, when many people feel the loss of  a loved one more intensely, these are the tips and ideas I would offer if you are supporting a person who is experiencing grief. I hope that you find it helpful or gives you some new ideas. What do you think are some good ideas? What has your experience been? Would you add or take away anything on this list? Like I've said about a bazillion times this is a very individual process and far from one size fits all, and this is by no means and exhaustive list.

*Images downloaded from Google Image.

Cousins Weekend, Halloween Edition

It is fast becoming tradition that every 6ish months my sister and I load up the car and head north to Owatonna Minnesota for a cousins weekend with one of our cousins and her family. Usually we spend Friday just the girls shopping in the Twin Cities and eating lunch together, before heading back to Owatonna to spend the rest of the weekend with her family. This year, however, my cousin informed us that they were moving in a couple of weeks and she would provide the alcohol if we helped her pack.

The three of us. At the end of the weekend looking exhausted.

We should have known better.

Now don’t get me wrong I have no problem helping someone pack, but I will be honest it is one of my least favorite activities. On a side note I will probably die in the house I live in now just so I don’t have to pack and move again. But I am happy to help out a cousin particularly one I am this close with.  However, there were a couple of hitches in the giddy up that made the weekend even more interesting. One, my cousin has a 3 year old son. Two, it was Halloween.

He looks cute and innocent doesn't he.

Hitch number one, the 3 year old. I love Mr. Lukas with all my heart, however he is 3. This means he is old enough to have an opinion and think that his opinion is the only one that matters. Like they know enough about the world to dictate what I am going to do and when I am going to do it, I think not. My favorite opinion was that little boys don’t need to sleep OR bathe. Let me tell you he was wrong on both accounts, no one likes a smelly over tired 3 year old.

If he wasn't loudly expressing an opinion he was generally looking you right in the eye, grinning, and then doing something that he knew was naughty. It was usually unpacking boxes that we had already packed but hadn’t gotten taped shut yet, or climbing in the boxes and sitting there refusing to get out. At one point I watched him start pulling toys out of a box despite being told to stop no less than 3 times, I thought to myself this is why most of the parents I know end up crazy. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the survival of children from the ages of 0 to 5 is based solely on their cuteness, because they WILL make you crazy.

This is the packing help you get from a 3 year old.

The second hitch was that it was Halloween. Which means one thing and one thing only. . .Trick or Treating. Of course we had to take Mr. Lukas trick or treating which proved to be quite the feat. First, the costume, he had worn the costume no less than 1800 times in the weeks leading up to Halloween and finally we get to go time and he doesn’t want to be Captain America. So the following scene ensues, Mom says we have to put our costume on. 3 year old takes off running crying nooooooo. Mom pursues stating I paid 40 dollars for this costume you are going to at least 2 houses. 15 minutes later after Lukas ran himself into a corner and couldn't escape (he needs to work on strategy) the costume is on and we are out the door. To those of you who have small children you probably feel my cousin’s pain, but for those of us without children it was pretty entertaining.

Captain America is finally ready.

Now we are out in the world with about a million other children and parents roaming the streets going from house to house dodging cars and collecting as much candy as possible. Little kids are crying because they don’t recognize their neighbors with masks on. Big kids are darting out in front of cars trying to ease their way down the street. It is quite possibly the closest things to pure chaos I have ever experienced in my life. And just to add more fun to the chaos, apparently in the small town my cousin lives in it is a thing to just have a bond fire on the driveway and pass out candy. So now instead of just worrying about a kid running out in front of a car you have to make sure their Superman cape doesn’t get set on fire. . .seriously?

Even the dog was exhausted

By the time we got back to the house we were all exhausted, including the dogs and the 3 year old who was getting ornerier by the minute but still, in his opinion, didn’t need to sleep. By the time he finally passed out, and the adults had a chance to sit and chat we were all so tired we could barely formulate a coherent sentence. But we got a fair amount of things packed, had some good laughs, found some good sales shopping and overall had a good time. And I was once again reminded that as much as I love kids I also love coming home to a quiet house where I can hear my own thoughts.

Sunday morning he's still happy, the rest of us are exhausted.