About a month ago I wrote about my grief experience and losing my Mom and a little bit in general what the grief process is like. (Check that post out HERE). As promised in that posted I have compiled a list of ideas and thoughts on how you can support someone through the grief process. This is by no means and exhaustive list, however these are the main ideas I have from my own experience along with the feedback and experiences of clients I have worked with.
1. Don't be afraid to reach out.
Often times people think that we should leave people alone who are experiencing a loss and let them come to us if they need something. I can tell you from personal experience after my mom died I didn't have the presence of mind to think about contacting people but would have welcomed a phone call, email or text message. Even if you don't hear back from the person often it is appreciated just to be thought of when you are feeling so totally lost you don't even know which way is up. If you aren't sure what to say something as simple as "Thinking of you" or "I love you" can bring more comfort than you know.
2. Let me know if you need anything.
Don't ever say this phrase to a person who is grieving unless you absolutely mean it. Nothing sucks more than having everyone and brother tell you that if you need anything let them know. And then when you muster the energy to reach out to someone, they are too busy to help out or help out but act like it's an inconvenience. Keep in mind needing anything could include everything from picking someone up from the airport, to needing a place for someone to stay, to needing someone shoulder to cry on. If you aren't up for anything then be specific about what you can or are willing to do or don't say anything. No one will be offended or probably even notice if you don't offer to help out. It's okay if you aren't able to help at that time they will understand and will still love you.
3. Don't ask, just do.
While we appreciate the offers to help if needed and to just let you know, the reality is that sometimes people in the midst of grief don't know what they need. Sometimes it's better to just let people know what you are going to do for them and if that doesn't work or they don't want that they will let you know. Most of the time people in the midst of grief have so many things on their mind they aren't going to fight anyone offering help. A close friend of mine lost her mother about 11 months ago and when we talked on the phone she started talking about all the things she needed to do for work etc. I told her to give me her log in information for work (we work together) and I would take care of her appointments and I would watch the cat while they were out of town. She asked me once if I was sure, I said yes and that was the end of the discussion. I also tried to do a few little things around the house that I knew she would appreciate while I was cat sitting. They seem like little things but can mean the WORLD to someone who is struggling with grief.
4. You can't make it better so it's okay to not try.
Sometimes people have a hard time just being and not doing something to make a situation better, however sometimes in the floundering of trying to come up with what to do or say we end up inadvertently saying something hurtful. This one is very personal to me and is some of the same feed back from others I have worked with people struggling with grief. We know our loved ones desperately want to make us feel better and they have the best of intentions but sometimes people would say things that quite honestly would make me want to punch them in the face. Here is a short list of things I would recommend staying AWAY from unless you know the person well enough to know these will bring them comfort;
- "They are in a better place now" or "They aren't suffering anymore" - I know that but it doesn't make me feel better about them being gone.
- "God never gives us more than we can handle" - Well quite frankly right now I feel he expects too much
- "It's all part of a bigger plan" - Even if a person in grief believe in a higher power that has a bigger plan most likely in their grief they don't care about the plan.
5. Don't be afraid to talk about our loved ones.
Yes sometimes when you talk about our loved ones we are going to get sad and cry but that's not your fault, that was probably going to happen anyway. I have been told by clients of mine that one of the things they fear is that their loved one is going to be forgotten after their death. Hearing other people tell stories or talk about our loved ones can be reassuring that they aren't going to be forgotten and might give us an opportunity to learn things about our loved ones that we didn't know before.
6. Lastly and maybe most importantly; Listen.
Even if we just cry or we tell the same story 15 times, whether it's been 6 days, 6 months or 6 years since the death just be willing to listen when we need it or when we are having a bad day. We don't expect you to fix it, truly we don't, we just want someone to listen to what we have to say. Being heard and on any level understood is one of the greatest gifts a person can receive.
So as we move into the Holiday season, when many people feel the loss of a loved one more intensely, these are the tips and ideas I would offer if you are supporting a person who is experiencing grief. I hope that you find it helpful or gives you some new ideas. What do you think are some good ideas? What has your experience been? Would you add or take away anything on this list? Like I've said about a bazillion times this is a very individual process and far from one size fits all, and this is by no means and exhaustive list.
*Images downloaded from Google Image.
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