When I'm in the "Wild"

This past weekend I went to my home town for the annual Fall Festival. When you have gone to the Fall Festival as many times as I have (32 to be exact) it becomes mostly about the food and seeing people from my childhood and the food. I mean really the food is great, I am from a small town with a large Mennonite and Amish populations so you can imagine what deliciousness they cook up. But I digress.

Back to the seeing people from my childhood. Sometimes that can be fun, and other times it can be interesting. Usually at some point in the conversation people ask "Where are you working these days". To which I respond, "Oh, I opened my own office about a year and a half ago and work as a mental health therapist." At that point one of two things happens, either they say "Oh" and take a large step back, looking at me like I have a third eye or grew a tail or something, or they say "Oh Boy I really need to come see you" and start delving into all the stresses they have in their life.

This can also be interesting when the person that is taking a large step back is a member of your family.  I've got one of those in my family and on more than one occasion the response I have gotten to a question like "You seem upset what's going on?" is "Don't therapize me. (I don't know if therapize is a word, but that's what she says) You know I don't do emotions".  At that point I usually tell her "I'm not, I'm just asking" and then let it drop. It can make a casual conversation more like a mental workout.

After a weekend at the Fall Festival and quality family time and thinking a lot about how people reacted to me. I thought I would let you all in on a little secret. When I'm not at the office, just like the rest of you, I'm not working.

So let me put all of your minds at ease. No, I am not diagnosing you, no, I am not analyzing everything you say, and no, I do not think you should be committed to a psych ward because of what you just said. Basically when I am out with friends or at a small town event (like this weekend) I want to be a normal person, talk about normal things like the whether or the news or my cats. When I ask about your day or your family or what you have been up to it's because I am interested as a friend or an acquaintance not because I am secretly working up a bio psycho social evaluation on you. Think of it like this, if you know someone that works as a server in a restaurant do you assume they want to bring you your dinner when they are at home. . .I sure hope not cause I'm guessing they don't.

That being said, it is also true that part of what makes me a good therapist are my naturally occurring temperament and personality.  Yes I am a caring person, yes I find people interesting and love (at times and in the right setting) to hear their stories and where they have been and get to know them on a deeper level, I am also by nature a good listener.  Those are things I CAN'T shut off just because I am not at work.  I have also spent a stupid number of years in school and training to be a therapist and as a result of that training I have a knowledge base that happens to pertain to mental health and I can't just shut that off either. It would be like asking someone who works in insurance to pretend like they know nothing about the insurance process when someone mentions they were rear ended on the way to work the other morning. They probably can't do that.

Moral of the story when a therapist is out in the real world they do not treat the people around them like clients.  They do however have personality traits and knowledge that they can't shut off.  So let's makes a deal.  If/when we meet anywhere other than my office, I won't treat you like a client if you promise not to take a step back and look at me like I have a third eye.  Deal?

Goals: Knowing When to Let Go.

October 18, 2015 was suppose to be a very special day for me.  It was going to be the day that I participated in my first half marathon.  I have always thought it would be cool to finish a half marathon and at the start of 2015 I was looking for a long term goal that would keep me focused and give me something to work for.  After consulting some trusted friends to make sure I wasn't crazy and getting the anxiety monster under control, I decided to go for it.

Almost immediately the universe seemed to be throwing up road blocks to try and get me to quit.  February and March were filled with a respiratory virus, a stomach virus and an episode with gout (If you don't know what gout is, google it, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy).  Despite early set backs I was determined to continue and through all of that did my best to stick to my training and was making progress.

In the beginning of May (Cinco de Mayo to be exact) I was greeted at the end of my work day with a phone call saying there had been a fire at the house (Surely someone is messin with me right?). I raced home, the whole way thinking "Don't get pulled over don't get in an accident". I arrived home to find 2 fire engines in front of my house, fire hoses running to the back of the house, and firemen hauling tarps full of insulation out of my house and dumping it in the driveway. I was in the middle of a bathroom remodel and was told the fire appeared to have started over the bathroom in the attic (Ugh). That night I just stood in my yard and stared at my house in a fog of not really knowing what to do or think or say.

Ultimately the fire ended up causing very little damage and was emotionally traumatic more than anything. But the fall out started to take it's toll on me, facing the realization of how bad it could have been combined with the relief that it wasn't and that my furry babies were okay, dealing with insurance, people trying to be helpful and comforting but sometimes making it worse, and bringing the bathroom remodel to a halt until the investigation was over which resulted in me having to go the neighbors house daily for about 2 weeks to take a shower (Thank God for wonderful neighbors, seriously I love them). And through it all I continued to train, because I was NOT going to quit.

July gets here and I start having horrendous back spasms to the point where riding in a car and hitting bumps would cause terrible pain.  I went almost 2 weeks without being able to run (or really move much) before telling anyone what was going on. I found a chiropractor and told my trainer that things were not going well and we needed to talk and figure out how to make up lost time and work with my still healing back (I was still determined to make this happen, my mentality was I am going to do this or die trying).

I went into the conversation with my trainer thinking we would make some tweeks and get back on track and things would be fine.  That's not what he said, in fact he suggested that I may have to consider dropping out of the race this year. WHAT? QUIT? I'm not quitting, I don't quit once I start something.  I had not even allowed myself to entertain this notion and when he said it, it shook me to my core and I instantly became so overwhelmed that I couldn't even speak or look up from the table.

I knew almost immediately he was right, at least part of my brain did. But when I tried to let my brain "go there" there was a part of my brain that just screamed "FAILURE" (for real, like audibly and everything). And was telling me things like "of course you quit, you always quit" (not true)  and "everyone knew this was going to happen from the start so they won't be surprised you're a quitter but they will be disappointed in you" (also not true, but what can I say a certain part of my brain is a total bitch). At the end of the day with a lot of tears and even more disappointment, I accepted what I knew to be best for me both physically and mentally and decided not to attempt the half is year.

The weeks since that decision was made have been some of the most challenging I have had in recent years.  Trying to make peace with coming up short on this goal and trying to figure out where to go from here.  One thing that became crystal clear was my struggle with failing.  I had taken on this goal and there was a part of me that was going to sacrifice EVERYTHING, including my health and well being to meet the challenge. In a very literal sense my attitude was I am going to make this happen or die (or cause serious injury) trying. That way no one can say I didn't do everything possible and no one can say I quit. Often times it seems failing is equated with being a failure. I know that is how I was feeling. Ultimately I had to take a step back and realize that yes I failed to reach my goal but that does not make me a failure as a human being.

There is a huge difference between quitting at the first sign of trouble (which I could have done when I got sick in February) and being able to admit that at some point legitimate road blocks have come up pushing a goal out of reach. There seems to be an attitude that once a goal is set we can get there no matter what, come hell or high water, if we just put our minds to it. Which is a dangerous mentality and amplifies the feeling of failing if things don't work out. Plain and simple life happens, it's unpredictable and shit gets in the way, and there are even times when you do exactly what you are suppose to and come up short. And oh boy is that a tough pill to swallow, and disappointing, and painful, and yes by definition means you failed BUT it DOES NOT change your value as a person and does not make you a failure as a human being.

I have also spent some time thinking about my true motivations for wanting to complete a half marathon (before I blindly decided to jump in for next year).  Like really why?  I realized that while it was a true desire of mine to do a half, it came from a desire to prove myself to all the people I felt didn't believe in me. Let me tell you right now, that isn't going to get you through 13 miles of anything. It is important to know the true motives for goals you set for yourself and to occasionally check in with yourself about what is driving you. Will this bring you happiness and a sense of accomplishment outside of what anyone else thinks? Did this goal come from within you without pressure from others (there's a fine line between someone inspiring and challenging you and pressuring you into something that isn't good for you)? If the answers to those questions are no, that's a sign of potential trouble on the horizon. As for me, no decision has been made at this point about whether or not I will attempt to train for another half, I still have some thinking to do.

The final thing I have learned from this process is that sometimes when you are open to taking a step back and re-evaluating what you are doing, it makes space and room for some pretty amazing things to happen. In the midst of these challenging weeks I have also had some incredible highs that I know wouldn't have happened had I continued pushing forward with training. Work has been fantastic, I have made some new connections with new people and hello, I'm blogging again. We only have so much space with in ourselves and our lives for various things. Sometimes when we can let goal of certain things or goals in our lives it makes room for other things or new paths and goals.

Overall, 2015 has certainly been a year of ups and downs, and the last 6 weeks have been some of the most painful, challenging and filled with growth weeks I have had in quite a few years. Even as I write this I still struggle with moments of feeling like a failure (Hey we are all a work in progress). That being said I wouldn't trade this experience. If you take nothing else from today's post please remember that no matter how many times you may stumble or fail you are a person with value and worth. You are one of a kind and you are amazing.

F**k Anxiety!. . .Word.

Raise your hand if you have struggled with anxiety. Okay granted I can't see any of you but I'm guessing if I could a lot of you would have raised your hands. I know I do, most days it's pretty low key and the worst that happens is that my right foot starts to twitch (always the right, I don't know why, the left one is lazy) and I don't usually even notice until someone near me says, why are you shaking. My usual response is "I didn't know I was", but once it's pointed out I realize that damn anxiety monster is acting up. On rougher days I have the full blown, upset stomach, tingly hands, fast breathing, racing heart, feeling hot and sweating. Not helpful in daily life, unless you are fleeing a woolly mammoth.  I'm sure many of you know what I'm talking about and let's just agree it sucks and if we could take a pill and kill that monster for good we would.

Unfortunately that is not how it works with anxiety.  That jerk creeps up on you at the most inopportune times, even when you've been working hard to manage it, and robs you of sleep, time, or sometimes once in a life time experiences. One of the greatest opportunities anxiety took from me was the chance to go the top of the Eiffel Tower. They seemed to think letting someone on the elevator having a panic attack was bad idea. Weird how that works out. Clearly that experience (15 years ago) still bugs me some days, damn anxiety.

Through years of work and therapy (yes even therapists go to therapy) I have for the most part been able to get my anxiety under control. I also spend a fair portion of my professional life helping others get their anxiety monsters under control. And in both of those arenas I been on a constant quest for a better way to explain/cope with/understand anxiety that didn't feel so clinical. And then it happened, like a gift from heaven, I stumbled across a self help book that was everything I was looking for and even things I didn't know I was looking for.

Now before I lose half you because you hate self help books and your eyes are starting to glaze over, let me say I hate self help books too. I find most of them to be a little too sunshine and rainbows for me. More often then not I get to a chapter that seems to suggest if I just think happy thoughts every thing will be great (Unfortunately that gets a little hard to understand when your thoughts are full of sunshine and rainbows and life kicks you in gut anyway). At that point I close the book, resist the urge to throw it through a window, and instead throw it in a box to go to Goodwill. So if this book were like that, you wouldn't be reading this and I might be pricing a new window. :) But I digress.

The title is what first caught my eye. . .are you ready. . .cause this is pretty awesome.  The title of the book is Hardcore Self Help: F**k Anxiety by Robert Duff, Ph.D.  Yep, I knew at that moment this book and I were going to be friends.  I immediately bought the audio version (after my non techie self figured out how to use audible, that was ridiculous) and started listening, because ain't nobody got time to wait for things to ship.  The introduction had me cracking up and by Chapter 1 I thought to myself "YES!!! FINALLY someone gets it!!! And he's talking to me like a friend, rather than a psychologist; using big words and jargon that real only proves he's super smart (which he is) but doesn't help me get my anxiety in check because I have no idea what he's talking about (okay, I do understand most psychologist jargon cause I spent a lot of years in school, but you know what I'm saying)!!!

Allow me to highlight the reasons I have fallen in love with this book:

• It's short, most days I have the attention span of a goldfish.
• The book is maybe 50 to 60 pages (I'm not sure it doesn't have page numbers) but I know the running time on the audio book is about 1 hr 15 min.  Everybody can find time to fit that in, you know it, I know it, so just get rid of that list of excuses right now.
  
• He GETS it. Few things in this world feel as good as being understood.
• I mean really, think about a time when you felt truly understood by someone else.  Like explaining how you were feeling or what you were going through wasn't hard and you didn't feel like you had to defend yourself, the other person just got it. Feels pretty damn good right? Nothing in this world is 100% but if I was a betting kind of gal I would put a lot of money on you feeling understood while reading this book.
  
• It's funny, laughter truly is the best medicine.
• This is one is pretty self explanatory, but let me paint you a picture with my imagination brush of a woman laughing so hard as he listened that had someone walked in the house they would have had some questions about what was happening.  Just imagine me walking around ear buds in, cleaning the house, laughing out loud, like really loud. There were a couple of times even the cats were looking at me like "What the hell is wrong with you?"
• Additionally, it is incredibly difficult, bordering on impossible, to feel anxious while you are laughing, so that's a win.
• The suggestions are practical, easy to follow, and easy to implement.
• Look, bottom line we are all busy and if we are presented with "12 steps to a new you" most of us aren't going to make it too far because it's just too much at once and can feel like a heavy duty over haul of your life, and good or bad change is hard and stressful.  Suggestions in this book are simple. 
• Breathing? We gotta do that anyway so it's no big deal to take a few minutes and add a little intention and structure to it so that maybe you can calm the hell down rather than hyperventilating.
• We are going to worry about a situation regardless right? So why not take that time, practice following a few easy steps, answer a few questions, and try to make that time productive rather than worrying in circles that do NOT bring about any resolution?  Everything in this book is SIMPLE to learn and EASY to start to implement but can make a HUGE difference in coping with anxiety.

I could go on for days, (some of you probably feel like I have if you follow me on twitter, @ajgus83) I can NOT possibly say enough good things about this book.  Absolutely 10 out of 10 recommend.  I ordered an obscene number of copies and officially have strongly recommended/made any client (and a handful of friends) I currently have that even kind of deal with anxiety read it.  They have all LOVED it.

The one DISCLAIMER I will give about this book is that Duff is not afraid to swear freely and often so if you are easily offended by that, swearing just isn't your jam, or you are a youngin maybe not the book for you.  But over all fantastic and if you are like me and swear like a sailor anyway the swearing in the book is no big deal.  You should definitely CLICK HERE or use any of the other links I've provided and get your hands on a copy TODAY.

I would also strongly recommend you check out Duff's website www.duffthepsych.com, he has a blog with some great ideas and information as well. He also periodically offers custom guided relaxations (last I checked there were still a few available), which are also fantastic but that's a whole different blog post. I have had the privilege of getting to know him a little bit via email and the internet.  He's a pretty awesome guy all the way around.  I know we will all be hearing more from him and about him in the future.

Unfortunately nothing is an immediate fix-all and even with this book anxiety can still be a pain in the ass but this book is certainly a good place to start in the journey towards getting the upper hand on that wench called anxiety. In less time than you think, you can have the tools to wake up every morning kick anxiety in the face and make it your bitch.

I went sleeveless!

The title of this entry may seem like an odd statement.  I mean I live in Iowa and it is September (and has been ungodly hot this weekend), it's not like I'm announcing that I ran around sleeveless in January in 3 feet of snow.  But none the less this is sort of a big deal in my world.  Allow me to explain.

I went to a wedding in Chicago last weekend and like all girls needed a new dress for the occasion. I found a delightful sleeveless number that I LOVED.  But I hesitated before purchasing it because I haven't always been comfortable showing off my arms to the world. The reason for that has nothing to do with the fact that when I wave it looks like I have flags attached to my arms and everything to do with the fact that I have quite a few visible scars and some of the most visible are on the upper part of one of my arms.  At minimum when visible people will stare, awkwardly and uncomfortably.  On occasion people ask, with a very concerned tone in their voice "what happened?"

Me and my sister, pre-wedding all dressed up.

"What happened?" Simple enough question and in my head there is a simple enough answer "I did it to myself." But those words rarely come out of my mouth because I know that makes everyone uncomfortable, including me. Let's be honest I'm not particularly proud of that part of my life (that part of my life being almost a decade ago, I have not cut myself in about 10 years*).  So for years I've kept my scars mostly hidden to avoid the awkward questions and on the occasion that it did come up mumbled some lame excuse about having a bastard for a cat. People will believe just about anything you tell them, no matter how far fetched, to get out of an awkward situation. I did these things not just for the comfort of others but because I also wanted to avoid the gut wrenching anxiety and shame I felt about what I had done to myself.

In recent months and weeks, however, I started to realize that somewhere along the way my thoughts about my scars had changed.  I am not as ashamed of them as I once was, and I've realized that most of the shame I do still feel is related to how others in my family feel about my scars not how I feel about them. There are still awkward interactions, stares, and some anxiety in my gut when I know someone is staring but I have stopped hiding. It's damn hot in the summer around here and I'm tired of not being able to wear what I want, and having the scars of my past always be a part of me getting dressed in the morning. Frankly I have allowed that part of my past to take up too much brain space over the years.

 But as frustrating as it is to have your past haunt you in the clothing decisions you make every morning and the desire to take some of that brain space back and use it for other things, it took much more than that frustration with the status quo and desire to shift my thinking. I had to find a way to forgive myself for the choices I made so long ago.  For me that forgiveness came from recognizing and accepting the fact that at that time I didn't have any better coping skills.  It sounds silly but it's true the circumstances of that time were so overwhelming my brain essentially shut off because I didn't even know where to start let alone how to adequately cope.

Another important piece of me forgiving myself, and something that some people struggle to understand about self harm, is remembering that I didn't want to die. Yes I had had some suicidal thoughts, but my self harm was not about wanting to die it was about trying to find a way to survive the pain I was feeling for just one more day. At the time I was in a very real fight for my life and as destructive and unhealthy as some of my choices were in that time, I survived. And really at the end of the day how can I be ashamed of myself for fighting so hard to stay here?

The answer is I shouldn't be.  And while I still have, and probably always will have, visible (what I now call) battle scars I don't want that to be the reason I don't dress the way I want or don't go to the pool or won't change clothes when other people are around. I don't want them to be a reason for me not living my life to it's fullest and in the way I want.  Those scars are part of my history, a part I can't make go away and quite frankly a part of my history that has contributed hugely to the type of person and therapist I am today.  And I like that person (most days) so I chose to embrace her and all her baggage :)

So that's it. That's the story of why me wearing a sleeveless dress to a wedding in the middle of August is a big deal.  Moral of the story?  Be proud of the battles you have won and the ways you have grown and changed even if you aren't always proud of the tactics you used to get there. Some days that is still hard for me to remember but that's okay, we keep truckin.

And along those lines please understand that I am in NO WAY glorifying self harm encouraging any one to use self harm as a way to cope with life or any situation, it is simply part of my journey. It is not a HEALTHY or POSITIVE choice and quite frankly is VERY DANGEROUS. If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm, depression, anxiety, or suicidal thinking please see the references I have included below. **

I hope you all don't mind my sharing such a personal story pretty much right out of the gate (at least on this time around in my blogging adventure) but it's something that has been on my mind this week, is something I wanted to share, and was the topic that got me thinking about blogging again.

*The short version of my history is that when I was a sophomore in college the world as I knew it started to fall apart (I changed majors after failing a class, lost a job I loved, and my mom was diagnosed with cancer) and I had my first serious bout with depression.  As part of the battle to cope with that depression and cope with my world crumbling around me I turned to cutting.  I did seek therapy almost immediately. prompted by some VERY good friends but still struggled with self harm for a few years until I was able to a) develop more constructive coping skills and b) felt I was worth enough to stop harming myself.  As I stated above I have not self harmed in about 10 years.  Please feel free to ask if you have further questions about anything in this blog post or my own journey with self harm.  I am hoping my story will help others in some way shape or form.  However, that being said I try to be an open book as much as appropriate, but I reserve the right to decline to answer any questions I am not comfortable with or feel would take this discussion in a negative direction.

**If you or anyone you know is struggling with self harm or suicidal thinking please seek help.  You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24 hours a day.  For more information on self harm including signs that someone may be self harming and other general information click here. I also recommend checking out Skin Game: A Memoir it is the story of one woman's struggle with and overcoming self harm.