Goals: Knowing When to Let Go.

October 18, 2015 was suppose to be a very special day for me.  It was going to be the day that I participated in my first half marathon.  I have always thought it would be cool to finish a half marathon and at the start of 2015 I was looking for a long term goal that would keep me focused and give me something to work for.  After consulting some trusted friends to make sure I wasn't crazy and getting the anxiety monster under control, I decided to go for it.

Almost immediately the universe seemed to be throwing up road blocks to try and get me to quit.  February and March were filled with a respiratory virus, a stomach virus and an episode with gout (If you don't know what gout is, google it, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy).  Despite early set backs I was determined to continue and through all of that did my best to stick to my training and was making progress.

In the beginning of May (Cinco de Mayo to be exact) I was greeted at the end of my work day with a phone call saying there had been a fire at the house (Surely someone is messin with me right?). I raced home, the whole way thinking "Don't get pulled over don't get in an accident". I arrived home to find 2 fire engines in front of my house, fire hoses running to the back of the house, and firemen hauling tarps full of insulation out of my house and dumping it in the driveway. I was in the middle of a bathroom remodel and was told the fire appeared to have started over the bathroom in the attic (Ugh). That night I just stood in my yard and stared at my house in a fog of not really knowing what to do or think or say.

Ultimately the fire ended up causing very little damage and was emotionally traumatic more than anything. But the fall out started to take it's toll on me, facing the realization of how bad it could have been combined with the relief that it wasn't and that my furry babies were okay, dealing with insurance, people trying to be helpful and comforting but sometimes making it worse, and bringing the bathroom remodel to a halt until the investigation was over which resulted in me having to go the neighbors house daily for about 2 weeks to take a shower (Thank God for wonderful neighbors, seriously I love them). And through it all I continued to train, because I was NOT going to quit.

July gets here and I start having horrendous back spasms to the point where riding in a car and hitting bumps would cause terrible pain.  I went almost 2 weeks without being able to run (or really move much) before telling anyone what was going on. I found a chiropractor and told my trainer that things were not going well and we needed to talk and figure out how to make up lost time and work with my still healing back (I was still determined to make this happen, my mentality was I am going to do this or die trying).

I went into the conversation with my trainer thinking we would make some tweeks and get back on track and things would be fine.  That's not what he said, in fact he suggested that I may have to consider dropping out of the race this year. WHAT? QUIT? I'm not quitting, I don't quit once I start something.  I had not even allowed myself to entertain this notion and when he said it, it shook me to my core and I instantly became so overwhelmed that I couldn't even speak or look up from the table.

I knew almost immediately he was right, at least part of my brain did. But when I tried to let my brain "go there" there was a part of my brain that just screamed "FAILURE" (for real, like audibly and everything). And was telling me things like "of course you quit, you always quit" (not true)  and "everyone knew this was going to happen from the start so they won't be surprised you're a quitter but they will be disappointed in you" (also not true, but what can I say a certain part of my brain is a total bitch). At the end of the day with a lot of tears and even more disappointment, I accepted what I knew to be best for me both physically and mentally and decided not to attempt the half is year.

The weeks since that decision was made have been some of the most challenging I have had in recent years.  Trying to make peace with coming up short on this goal and trying to figure out where to go from here.  One thing that became crystal clear was my struggle with failing.  I had taken on this goal and there was a part of me that was going to sacrifice EVERYTHING, including my health and well being to meet the challenge. In a very literal sense my attitude was I am going to make this happen or die (or cause serious injury) trying. That way no one can say I didn't do everything possible and no one can say I quit. Often times it seems failing is equated with being a failure. I know that is how I was feeling. Ultimately I had to take a step back and realize that yes I failed to reach my goal but that does not make me a failure as a human being.

There is a huge difference between quitting at the first sign of trouble (which I could have done when I got sick in February) and being able to admit that at some point legitimate road blocks have come up pushing a goal out of reach. There seems to be an attitude that once a goal is set we can get there no matter what, come hell or high water, if we just put our minds to it. Which is a dangerous mentality and amplifies the feeling of failing if things don't work out. Plain and simple life happens, it's unpredictable and shit gets in the way, and there are even times when you do exactly what you are suppose to and come up short. And oh boy is that a tough pill to swallow, and disappointing, and painful, and yes by definition means you failed BUT it DOES NOT change your value as a person and does not make you a failure as a human being.

I have also spent some time thinking about my true motivations for wanting to complete a half marathon (before I blindly decided to jump in for next year).  Like really why?  I realized that while it was a true desire of mine to do a half, it came from a desire to prove myself to all the people I felt didn't believe in me. Let me tell you right now, that isn't going to get you through 13 miles of anything. It is important to know the true motives for goals you set for yourself and to occasionally check in with yourself about what is driving you. Will this bring you happiness and a sense of accomplishment outside of what anyone else thinks? Did this goal come from within you without pressure from others (there's a fine line between someone inspiring and challenging you and pressuring you into something that isn't good for you)? If the answers to those questions are no, that's a sign of potential trouble on the horizon. As for me, no decision has been made at this point about whether or not I will attempt to train for another half, I still have some thinking to do.

The final thing I have learned from this process is that sometimes when you are open to taking a step back and re-evaluating what you are doing, it makes space and room for some pretty amazing things to happen. In the midst of these challenging weeks I have also had some incredible highs that I know wouldn't have happened had I continued pushing forward with training. Work has been fantastic, I have made some new connections with new people and hello, I'm blogging again. We only have so much space with in ourselves and our lives for various things. Sometimes when we can let goal of certain things or goals in our lives it makes room for other things or new paths and goals.

Overall, 2015 has certainly been a year of ups and downs, and the last 6 weeks have been some of the most painful, challenging and filled with growth weeks I have had in quite a few years. Even as I write this I still struggle with moments of feeling like a failure (Hey we are all a work in progress). That being said I wouldn't trade this experience. If you take nothing else from today's post please remember that no matter how many times you may stumble or fail you are a person with value and worth. You are one of a kind and you are amazing.