Finding Your Voice

Holy Hiatus Batman! First let me apologize for my absence, assuming anyone follows this closely enough to notice lol :). Sometimes life throws you a curve ball and things suddenly get put on the back burner. But I think things have calmed down and I should be back to my regular schedule of Monday posts. So with that said, thank you for your patience and let’s move on to today’s post.

So I did a thing. . .

I offered to be a guest on a friend’s podcast and to share my story of self-harm. And THEN my friend agreed. *gulp* So this week I spent about an hour discussing my story of self-harm from the beginning and through the journey out the other side with my friend, Duff the Psych (I’ve mentioned him once or twice before). He was absolutely wonderful and made the experience as comfortable and safe as possible and he really is a good guy. However when the interview was finished I had a moment of “What the hell did I do”.

Luckily the interview was about 12 hours before the release of the episode so I didn’t have too terribly long to stress, fret, and question my decision, because once it was out there, there was no taking it back. Even though this was a story I wanted to share this is an inherent risk in putting yourself out there and exposing the tenderest parts of yourself. But the response was positive, and I even asked a few close friends to listen, and their response was super supportive and positive as well.

We are now a few days away from the initial release of the podcast and I've survived the waves of panic and nothing catastrophic as happened as a result, so ya know, that's good. And in fact there have been some REALLY positive results of me taking this step. One, I managed to NOT sound like an idiot in the interview, always a positive start and something to be proud of. Two, it has helped me integrate that piece of my life into my life story in a more salient way than it has been before. And three, and what I want to focus mostly on, is that I found my voice.

Most of my life I have struggled to find my voice, there have been times particularly when it came to my self harm, in which I literally could not speak about it. I would open my mouth to say something and no sound would come out. The fear of judgment by others for what I had been dealing with and struggling with was SO great that I LITERALLY could not speak about it. It's a very strange feeling when your brain wants to say something and your mouth just refuses.

We all have a story, we all have events (good or bad) that have shaped us and made us into who we are. And we should all be allowed to tell that story and have that story honored and valued by others.  At many points in my life I have felt with in myself, and been made to feel by others that my story didn't matter. Events weren't traumatic enough, or weren't good enough to warrant getting to tell the story. And that if I did I was being dramatic about the negative things or I was bragging too much about the positive things. So at some point I stopped telling my story, and eventually lost my voice all together.

But here is the reality for you and for me. ALL of our stories matter. Our trials and struggles shouldn’t be compared to other people’s to determine if they are worthy of being heard. Each of us is worthy of being heard simply because we are humans. Our stories deserve to be told and honored by those we chose to share them with.

It has taken me more years than I would have liked to find my voice. But I have found it now and I will share my story, not only for my sake but in hopes of helping others as well. I hope that if finding and keeping your voice is a struggle for you, that you continue to grow strength in that. I hope that you have people in your life that will honor and respect your story. You are worth that and so much more!!! You have a right to share your story!!! If you don't have those people in your life I STRONGLY encourage you to find some, whether that is making an effort to meet new people and build new relationships, or finding a therapist to help you through that journey (my therapist has been INVALUABLE on this journey), or maybe that means you just need to ask people in your life. Sometimes we (that includes me) keep people at such a distance that we don't realize we have support at our finger tips if we would just ask.

Taking any one of those steps is challenging, and at times can rise to the level of terrifying. I know I just shared my story with anyone who wants to click on a podcast link.  But I PROMISE you it's worth it, YOU are worth it. I have received nothing but positive support from friend, family and strangers alike. And more importantly I for one of the first times in my life I feel like I am walking around WITHOUT secrets, I don't have to worry about hiding anymore, everyone knows, and even though everyone knows. . .I'm okay, I'm still me, and I'm still worthy of love. And so are you, NO MATTER WHAT.

I have included a link to the podcast below, check it out if like. Please know that it is a very candid interview in which I do talk about when I was actively self-harming. If you chose to listen please make sure to take care of yourself if this is something have or currently struggle with. 

Finally, you should just check out Duff's podcast in general, you can find it one his website or on itunes. He alternates between doing an interview style episode like this one and answering questions he receives from people via twitter (@DuffThePsych) and email etc.

I went sleeveless!

The title of this entry may seem like an odd statement.  I mean I live in Iowa and it is September (and has been ungodly hot this weekend), it's not like I'm announcing that I ran around sleeveless in January in 3 feet of snow.  But none the less this is sort of a big deal in my world.  Allow me to explain.

I went to a wedding in Chicago last weekend and like all girls needed a new dress for the occasion. I found a delightful sleeveless number that I LOVED.  But I hesitated before purchasing it because I haven't always been comfortable showing off my arms to the world. The reason for that has nothing to do with the fact that when I wave it looks like I have flags attached to my arms and everything to do with the fact that I have quite a few visible scars and some of the most visible are on the upper part of one of my arms.  At minimum when visible people will stare, awkwardly and uncomfortably.  On occasion people ask, with a very concerned tone in their voice "what happened?"

Me and my sister, pre-wedding all dressed up.

"What happened?" Simple enough question and in my head there is a simple enough answer "I did it to myself." But those words rarely come out of my mouth because I know that makes everyone uncomfortable, including me. Let's be honest I'm not particularly proud of that part of my life (that part of my life being almost a decade ago, I have not cut myself in about 10 years*).  So for years I've kept my scars mostly hidden to avoid the awkward questions and on the occasion that it did come up mumbled some lame excuse about having a bastard for a cat. People will believe just about anything you tell them, no matter how far fetched, to get out of an awkward situation. I did these things not just for the comfort of others but because I also wanted to avoid the gut wrenching anxiety and shame I felt about what I had done to myself.

In recent months and weeks, however, I started to realize that somewhere along the way my thoughts about my scars had changed.  I am not as ashamed of them as I once was, and I've realized that most of the shame I do still feel is related to how others in my family feel about my scars not how I feel about them. There are still awkward interactions, stares, and some anxiety in my gut when I know someone is staring but I have stopped hiding. It's damn hot in the summer around here and I'm tired of not being able to wear what I want, and having the scars of my past always be a part of me getting dressed in the morning. Frankly I have allowed that part of my past to take up too much brain space over the years.

 But as frustrating as it is to have your past haunt you in the clothing decisions you make every morning and the desire to take some of that brain space back and use it for other things, it took much more than that frustration with the status quo and desire to shift my thinking. I had to find a way to forgive myself for the choices I made so long ago.  For me that forgiveness came from recognizing and accepting the fact that at that time I didn't have any better coping skills.  It sounds silly but it's true the circumstances of that time were so overwhelming my brain essentially shut off because I didn't even know where to start let alone how to adequately cope.

Another important piece of me forgiving myself, and something that some people struggle to understand about self harm, is remembering that I didn't want to die. Yes I had had some suicidal thoughts, but my self harm was not about wanting to die it was about trying to find a way to survive the pain I was feeling for just one more day. At the time I was in a very real fight for my life and as destructive and unhealthy as some of my choices were in that time, I survived. And really at the end of the day how can I be ashamed of myself for fighting so hard to stay here?

The answer is I shouldn't be.  And while I still have, and probably always will have, visible (what I now call) battle scars I don't want that to be the reason I don't dress the way I want or don't go to the pool or won't change clothes when other people are around. I don't want them to be a reason for me not living my life to it's fullest and in the way I want.  Those scars are part of my history, a part I can't make go away and quite frankly a part of my history that has contributed hugely to the type of person and therapist I am today.  And I like that person (most days) so I chose to embrace her and all her baggage :)

So that's it. That's the story of why me wearing a sleeveless dress to a wedding in the middle of August is a big deal.  Moral of the story?  Be proud of the battles you have won and the ways you have grown and changed even if you aren't always proud of the tactics you used to get there. Some days that is still hard for me to remember but that's okay, we keep truckin.

And along those lines please understand that I am in NO WAY glorifying self harm encouraging any one to use self harm as a way to cope with life or any situation, it is simply part of my journey. It is not a HEALTHY or POSITIVE choice and quite frankly is VERY DANGEROUS. If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm, depression, anxiety, or suicidal thinking please see the references I have included below. **

I hope you all don't mind my sharing such a personal story pretty much right out of the gate (at least on this time around in my blogging adventure) but it's something that has been on my mind this week, is something I wanted to share, and was the topic that got me thinking about blogging again.

*The short version of my history is that when I was a sophomore in college the world as I knew it started to fall apart (I changed majors after failing a class, lost a job I loved, and my mom was diagnosed with cancer) and I had my first serious bout with depression.  As part of the battle to cope with that depression and cope with my world crumbling around me I turned to cutting.  I did seek therapy almost immediately. prompted by some VERY good friends but still struggled with self harm for a few years until I was able to a) develop more constructive coping skills and b) felt I was worth enough to stop harming myself.  As I stated above I have not self harmed in about 10 years.  Please feel free to ask if you have further questions about anything in this blog post or my own journey with self harm.  I am hoping my story will help others in some way shape or form.  However, that being said I try to be an open book as much as appropriate, but I reserve the right to decline to answer any questions I am not comfortable with or feel would take this discussion in a negative direction.

**If you or anyone you know is struggling with self harm or suicidal thinking please seek help.  You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24 hours a day.  For more information on self harm including signs that someone may be self harming and other general information click here. I also recommend checking out Skin Game: A Memoir it is the story of one woman's struggle with and overcoming self harm.