"Living in the Past"

“Living in the past”, often said with a tone implying this is a bad or unhealthy thing. Implying we should let go of things that have happened in our past, particularly the bad stuff, and live in the present. Many of my clients have had family and friends tell them to stop living in the past when they are having particularly bad days with flashbacks or memories. For the first time, I can remember, this weekend someone said this to me in the middle of a heated discussion and I was surprised by how deeply it stung me when that person said it. With one statement it felt as though that person had dismissed my feelings and, on some level, me. It caused me to start thinking about this idea of living in the past and the consequences of being told we should stop living there.

We all have a past. However many years you have been on this planet, you have that many years’ worth of memories. Some of them so good you still smile when you think about them, some of them so painful that when they cross your mind they stop you in your tracks. Regardless of good or bad, they are our memories and they will be forever. That being said memories are not just a record of events in our lives like photographs or video we can go back and enjoy when we feel like. Memories are linked to events, things that have happened that have changed how we think and feel, sometimes events are so impactful they change our behaviors and how we approach the world around us.

So if you think about it from that perspective, telling someone to “stop living in the past” is like telling them to forget who they are and how they’ve gotten here. To completely abandon the things that have shaped them into the person they are. And rarely is someone told to stop living in the past when they are talking about that big promotion they got six months ago or that time they made the Dean’s list in college, or any other major, life changing, positive event. It’s usually when someone is struggling with missing a family member they lost, or they react a certain way to people that yell at them because it reminds them of an abusive parent.

After my experience this weekend I believe that being told to “stop living in the past” is one of the most dismissive things that can be said to a person who is struggling or is trying to express their feelings. That statement implies that we are in complete control of our emotions and reactions at all times. We can’t always help how we think, feel, or react to a situation, furthermore, even if we know certain things are triggers we can be caught off guard or surprised by something.

At the end of the day, we all respond to things differently and our brains have different needs in terms of processing and accepting circumstances we have been through. Some of those circumstances are so dramatic we are changed forever. So my call to everyone is this. Be gentle with each other. Be kind to each other. And always remember that everyone you meeting is struggling with something you know nothing about.  If were all a little more patient with each other this world would be a much better place.

That being said, if you know someone that is being crippled by past experiences (i.e. anxiety so severe they can’t leave their house for fear they would be attacked). There is nothing wrong with loving suggesting to them they consider getting professional help so that they can continue to live their life to the fullest and not let their experiences take from them. Just please PLEASE don’t tell them to “stop living in the past”.

Avoiding Secondary Trauma

I’m sitting here on Saturday morning scrolling through my social media accounts seeing story after story regarding the events in Paris yesterday. And the Saturday morning news in the background is also playing multiple stories about Paris. I feel sick to my stomach with every new post and find myself asking a number of questions that we will probably never have answers for. Why did this happen? How can people think that violence is accomplishing anything? What does the future of our world look like if we continue on this path? All of these are natural questions to ask, unfortunately they are also questions that don’t have answers.

In the days and probably weeks to come Paris will be in the news and on social media, and at times will probably feel like it’s everywhere you look. And rightfully so, we should be aware of what is happening in other parts of the world, and we should come together as the human race and mourn the loss of life and trauma in Paris. However in this day and age of 24 hours news channels and the constant stream of information coming at us through social media we can be at risk for becoming overwhelmed and over exposed to traumatic images and information.

Being constantly bombarded with traumatic stories and images can result in Secondary Trauma. This is most commonly thought of as it pertains to professionals who help people who have experienced trauma. This includes all types of professionals from mental health counselors, to firefighters and police officers, to journalists, anyone who works with and/or assists individuals that have experienced trauma. Symptoms of secondary trauma mimic those of Post-Traumatic Stress disorder, including intrusive thoughts, fatigue, fearfulness, and difficulty concentrating.

Why do I bring up secondary trauma? Because people who watch a constant barrage of eye witness accounts, traumatic videos and images, and in general are overwhelmed with anyone traumatic event can also experience symptoms of secondary trauma. I can remember when Hurricane Katrina and the aftermath was happening. It was constantly on the news, images of people wading through waste deep water to safety, people stranded on the roofs of their homes, bodies in the flood waters. For days and weeks these images were on the TV and internet everywhere you looked. It seems to always be a topic of conversation. There came a point where I it felt like that was all I was thinking about, and I was searching out more information in an effort to be “informed”. In the end I had to make the choice to step away and refocus my energy on what was going on in my life.

So as we face yet another global tragedy that will most likely consume the media for weeks to come allow me to offer some suggestions and tips on how you can take care of yourself and avoid symptoms of secondary trauma.

1. What your feeling is okay.

First and foremost, we all have our own personal reaction to any event. Some people will be sad, some angry and still others will react with fear. Whatever your thoughts and feelings were upon first hearing about the events in Paris is okay and 100% valid. The best thing you can do is allow yourself to feel and experience whatever emotion came up for you. Don't worry about having the right response or over or under reacting just feel your feelings, whatever they are.

2. Take breaks

Probably the most important thing we can do for ourselves is to take a break from the constant stream of information. Maybe that means taking a day off of watching the news, or staying off social media for a few hours or a day. For me I have a news app on my phone that alerts me to breaking news. I made the decision this morning to shut off notifications for a while because every time I picked up my phone there as a new alert and I was beginning to feel overwhelmed.  I know in this day and age it can be hard to disengage for fear we will miss something. But when it comes to stories like Paris they are often reporting the same things over and over again, because it takes a while for new information to come out. And even if you do miss something its okay, you’ll catch up when you are mentally ready to take that information on.

3. It’s okay to enjoy your life.

As my social media feeds fill with more and more stories, memes, a statements about Paris (or any traumatic event) I start to feel like my funny pictures of my cat, silly joke I heard, or commentary on my day is trivial in comparison and that I shouldn’t post them or talk about them. The reality is that it is okay to enjoy your life and laugh in the midst of tragedy.  We don’t have to be solemn and sad all the time. It’s okay to tell a joke your heard, it’s okay to laugh, and it’s okay to count your blessings and be grateful that your family and friends are safe and then go about your day and life with a smile. And truthfully seeing or hearing something that is funny or mundane about life might be a nice break for someone else you is struggling at the moment.

4. Talk to someone.

One of the many ways we has humans process our experiences is verbally. Talking through what you are thinking of feeling about an event can help your brain make sense of things or at the very least make peace with things. While my advice earlier was to not let the bad things consume your life and your thoughts you can’t completely avoid what has happened either. Acknowledging that something has had an effect on you will also help you move through those emotions. Really, as with many things in life, it is finding a balance between an event being your sole focus and pretending like nothing happened.

If you feel as though the difficulty you are having is out of the norm or you're having trouble getting things under control don’t be afraid to reach out to a professional. You don’t have to have serious or chronic issues to see a therapist. Sometimes people just need a few sessions to process through one thing or get themselves back on track.

In the coming days as we hear more and more about what happened in Paris, and the images fill our TV screens and our social media feeds please make sure that you are taking care of yourself and doing what is best for you. Don’t feel obligated to continue to follow the stories if it becoming overwhelming and don’t feel guilty about continuing on with your life and feeling good despite the suffering in other parts of the world. Take care of yourself, first and foremost.

Please note that this blog entry was written prior to me learning of the attacks in Lebanon. It was not my intention to leave them out or make them seem unimportant. It has definitely been a tragic weekend around the world.