Anxiety Strikes Again

 Anxiety strikes again. I have talked a few times on this blog about anxiety in general and my own struggles with anxiety. And every once in a while my anxiety rears its ugly head in an expected way and we talk about it again. That’s probably the biggest pain about anxiety. You think you have it in check and have made it your bitch and then you find yourself in a situations having intense anxiety thinking what the hell? You know what makes that feeling even better? When it happens in front of someone you have just recently met and has no idea that you struggle with anxiety. Welcome to the story that inspired this blog.

A few weeks ago I went on a date with a new fella and we hit it off right away. Only hitch was he was getting ready to move for work and would be residing in a city about 3 hours from where I live. We decided not to let the distance stop our relationship from moving forward since things were going so well, so last weekend I went to visit him. The city he is living in is quite a bit bigger than the city I live in and more importantly I had been to this city a grand total of one time before this and driving in unfamiliar cities is one of the things that sets of my anxiety pretty quickly.

 So I set off Friday afternoon with my map and directions in hand, directions mind you I had read SEVERAL times prior to leaving. I only got turned around once and successfully made it to the hotel with minimal issue, but I had been so tense driving I felt like I just finished a marathon when I arrived. This is what driving in unfamiliar places does to me. So now that you know that, let’s fast forward to Saturday morning.

Saturday morning we get in the car and are headed to an art museum (which I had looked up directions for from the hotel), as we pull out of the parking lot my fella says I want to show you downtown before we go to the art museum. I said okay but you will need to tell me where we are going and how to get back to the art museum. He agreed an off we go. We get to the middle of downtown the freeway is about to split in about 6 different directions and I ask okay which way are we going? My fella says I don’t know.  Excuse me what? He says just figure it out, this is how you learn a new city. I'm immediately anxious and losing my mind, what do you mean you don’t know, I told you to figure this stuff out, I don’t need to learn to navigate this city I don’t freakin live here. These are all things flying out of my mouth as I’m desperately trying to remember the address of the museum so I can put it in my GPS. (Just for the record I don’t recommend ever typing anything while driving on the highway).

 Fear not we eventually made it to the art museum and I calmed down and we had a wonderful time. However this happened again on Sunday when I was dropping off my fella before I left town. This time he didn’t have an address of where he was going and he was navigating on sight. That time we got into a little bit more of an argument because again my anxiety was spiking pretty high. Ultimately we got to where we were going got him dropped off and I got myself headed home.

As I was making the three hour drive home it finally started to click to me that anxiety was the reason I had gotten worked up (yep sometimes it even take a therapist a while to connect the dots of her own brain). And then I started thinking about how much of this do I explain to a guy I haven’t known all that long and how I do even go about doing that. I have been very blessed in my life that I haven’t had to explain my anxiety to too many people, many of the people in my life have been very understanding without much conversation or explanation.

While thinking all this through on the way home I was also found myself concerned with how he would react. Would he understand? Would he respect my need for a little more planning or would he continue to think the best way to help me is to put me in incredibly uncomfortable situations thinking he was helping. As I contemplated all these different questions I also started to get angry. Angry that my brain works this way and gets all worked up over things that really aren’t a huge deal. Angry that my anxiety had interfered with my weekend and caused us to get in not one but two arguments that just weren’t necessary.

By the time I got home I was exhausted, not just from a fun filled weekend but from having to spend SO MUCH time thinking about how to introduce a new person in my life into the craziness that is having an anxious brain. If I had to guess I would imagine that many of you out there struggling with anxiety can relate to this on many levels. Coping with anxiety can be exhausting in and of itself. Explaining your anxiety to people have been in your life for years and you know care about you can be a challenge. Finding the courage to overcome anxiety and meet NEW people can be a HUGE challenge. And then you get through all those hurdles and you find yourself in a situation where you feel you have to explain yet again, and to a new person, why you are freaking out over something that you know isn’t a big deal.

Some days it can all feel like it’s more work than it’s worth. But I think we can all agree that we know that isn’t true. Yes there are times when we are rejected by people we care about and who we thought cared about us because of our anxiety. But the times you find someone to add to your support army, who gets it or at least tries to get it and can be there for you makes it all worth it.

As for my current situation. I haven’t talked with him about my anxiety in the days that I have been back, and I’m still not sure how I want to go about it or how much I want to share with a person I don’t know very well yet. He did notice my scars over the weekend and didn’t run away screaming so maybe there is hope for this one yet ;). If any of you have suggestions or techniques you use when you are telling someone about your struggles with anxiety, I would love to hear them so leave me a comment below.

                                           *All images were taken from Google Images*

6 Tips On Supporting Someone in Grief

About a month ago I wrote about my grief experience and losing my Mom and a little bit in general what the grief process is like. (Check that post out HERE). As promised in that posted I have compiled a list of ideas and thoughts on how you can support someone through the grief process. This is by no means and exhaustive list, however these are the main ideas I have from my own experience along with the feedback and experiences of clients I have worked with.

1. Don't be afraid to reach out.

Often times people think that we should leave people alone who are experiencing a loss and let them come to us if they need something.  I can tell you from personal experience after my mom died I didn't have the presence of mind to think about contacting people but would have welcomed a phone call, email or text message.  Even if you don't hear back from the person often it is appreciated just to be thought of when you are feeling so totally lost you don't even know which way is up. If you aren't sure what to say something as simple as "Thinking of you" or "I love you" can bring more comfort than you know.

2. Let me know if you need anything.

Don't ever say this phrase to a person who is grieving unless you absolutely mean it. Nothing sucks more than having everyone and brother tell you that if you need anything let them know.  And then when you muster the energy to reach out to someone, they are too busy to help out or help out but act like it's an inconvenience. Keep in mind needing anything could include everything from picking someone up from the airport, to needing a place for someone to stay, to needing someone shoulder to cry on.  If you aren't up for anything then be specific about what you can or are willing to do or don't say anything.  No one will be offended or probably even notice if you don't offer to help out. It's okay if you aren't able to help at that time they will understand and will still love you.

3. Don't ask, just do.

While we appreciate the offers to help if needed and to just let you know, the reality is that sometimes people in the midst of grief don't know what they need.  Sometimes it's better to just let people know what you are going to do for them and if that doesn't work or they don't want that they will let you know.  Most of the time people in the midst of grief have so many things on their mind they aren't going to fight anyone offering help.  A close friend of mine lost her mother about 11 months ago and when we talked on the phone she started talking about all the things she needed to do for work etc.  I told her to give me her log in information for work (we work together) and I would take care of her appointments and I would watch the cat while they were out of town.  She asked me once if I was sure, I said yes and that was the end of the discussion. I also tried to do a few little things around the house that I knew she would appreciate while I was cat sitting.  They seem like little things but can mean the WORLD to someone who is struggling with grief.

4. You can't make it better so it's okay to not try.

Sometimes people have a hard time just being and not doing something to make a situation better, however sometimes in the floundering of trying to come up with what to do or say we end up inadvertently saying something hurtful. This one is very personal to me and is some of the same feed back from others I have worked with people struggling with grief. We know our loved ones desperately want to make us feel better and they have the best of intentions but sometimes people would say things that quite honestly would make me want to punch them in the face.  Here is a short list of things I would recommend staying AWAY from unless you know the person well enough to know these will bring them comfort;

• "They are in a better place now" or "They aren't suffering anymore" - I know that but it doesn't make me feel better about them being gone.
• "God never gives us more than we can handle" - Well quite frankly right now I feel he expects too much
• "It's all part of a bigger plan" - Even if a person in grief believe in a higher power that has a bigger plan most likely in their grief they don't care about the plan.

If you don't know what to say it's okay to say nothing and just sit with someone.  Or keep it simple "I love you" or "I'm so sorry this happened".

5. Don't be afraid to talk about our loved ones.

Yes sometimes when you talk about our loved ones we are going to get sad and cry but that's not your fault, that was probably going to happen anyway. I have been told by clients of mine that one of the things they fear is that their loved one is going to be forgotten after their death.  Hearing other people tell stories or talk about our loved ones can be reassuring that they aren't going to be forgotten and might give us an opportunity to learn things about our loved ones that we didn't know before.

6. Lastly and maybe most importantly; Listen.

Even if we just cry or we tell the same story 15 times, whether it's been 6 days, 6 months or 6 years since the death just be willing to listen when we need it or when we are having a bad day.  We don't expect you to fix it, truly we don't, we just want someone to listen to what we have to say.  Being heard and on any level understood is one of the greatest gifts a person can receive.

So as we move into the Holiday season, when many people feel the loss of  a loved one more intensely, these are the tips and ideas I would offer if you are supporting a person who is experiencing grief. I hope that you find it helpful or gives you some new ideas. What do you think are some good ideas? What has your experience been? Would you add or take away anything on this list? Like I've said about a bazillion times this is a very individual process and far from one size fits all, and this is by no means and exhaustive list.

*Images downloaded from Google Image.