Feeling Overwhelmed???

Hey Everyone. I hope that you are having a wonderful start to your 2016 and that all your dreams are starting to come true. In 2016 I have pretty much hit the ground running. Work has been busy, new clients coming in. I’ve started teaching an online class and started building a class for the next term. I have started the planning for an upcoming vacation and already in 2016 I have met some new people and started building new relationships. Needless to say 2016 has been off to a good start. But if you read through that list and got a little bit tired or overwhelmed let me tell you, you are not alone.

I am loving everything about 2016 so far but WOW, I feel like I have been running for 2 weeks straight and have had very little time to breathe. I will be the first to acknowledge that my self-care routine has probably suffered more than I realize in the last couple of weeks. There have also been times where I have felt so overwhelmed I wasn’t even sure where to start or what to think. The rest of the time I find myself sitting at my desk with a new browser window open and my phone in my hand ready to do something and can’t for the life of me remember what I was going to do with either of those things. Or I’m wandering around my house with about 18 things on my brain that I need to do but accomplishing none of those things.

Anyone out there every feel like that raise your hand. We’ve all had times when life feels completely overwhelming. Thankfully over the years I have developed some very simple things that I can do that will help ground me back in reality and get a handle on what needs to get done and how I can get started. So allow me to share the 3 simple things I do when I’m feeling overwhelmed to help me feel like my feet are back on the ground.

1. Breathe. Generally speaking this is the first step to anything you want to do. Breathe. There are about a million ways to breathe if your goal is relaxation or combating anxiety. Just google “breathing techniques” and you will see what I mean. However two of my favorite breathing exercises are 4-7-8 breathing. In 4-7-8 breathing you breathe in 4 counts, hold 7 counts, and out for 8 counts. If you need a little help getting started here is a great video that will talk you through it. My other favorite breathing exercise is square breathing. That’s a pretty simple one as well and I’ve included a diagram below to explain how to do it.

2. Make it Manageable. While I am a HUGE advocate of making lists sometimes the very thing that can help me stay on track and make sure I don’t miss anything can add to my feeling of being overwhelmed as they get longer and longer. For example Friday afternoon I was sitting at home thinking of all the things that I wanted/needed to get done this weekend. As the list grew in my head I started thinking I am going to have to work all weekend and I won’t even get half of what I need to done. As I was getting more and more overwhelmed I stopped myself and then did some breathing. Then I started breaking things down into really small pieces. Instead of thinking I need work on class stuff, I broke it down even further, grading papers, grading discussion questions, writing a quiz. Then I picked one to start with and focus on and put the rest aside while I focused on grading discussion questions. And you know what it didn’t take near as long as I felt like it was going to and when it was done I felt like I had accomplished something and it motivated me to continue on to the next thing. I don’t care how small you have to break things down to but get the to do list into bite size pieces that feel manageable and just pick ONE to start with and set the rest aside till that one thing is done.

 3. Take a break. I know I am guilty of not following this bit of advice. When things get busy and to do lists get long I often find myself running around like a crazy person, half of me thinking “just take a break and breathe for a minute” and the other half of my brain screaming “THERE IS NOT TIME FOR BREAKS THERE IS TOO MUCH TO DO”. But here is the reality we HAVE to take breaks, if we don’t we end up investing all our energy into running around like chickens with our heads cut off and actually accomplishing very little. Now I will grant you that there may legitimately not be time to take an entire day off or to do big things for breaks but there is ALWAYS time for a little break. Little ways I like to take a break are you play a game on my phone for a few minutes (the catch there is you need to be able to stop yourself), watch your favorite YouTube video, take a few extra minutes in the shower (I love showers and feel like they can “fix” just about anything), or buy myself my favorite sweet treat to enjoy that evening after a long day. These are just a few things that don’t take much time or money and can be a quick boost to your motivation and can take away some of that feeling of being overwhelmed.

So there you have it, my 3 easy tips for managing those times in life when life itself gets a little overwhelming. As for me I’m going to go take a quick break and then move on to the next manageable piece of my to do list. :)

Parents:You Need a Break Too, And It's Okay to Take One.

I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas Holiday if you celebrate Christmas and if not a wonderful weekend.

This week I am going to briefly step into an arena I typically stay away from. Don’t worry we won’t be staying long but I just couldn’t help myself after a couple of interactions with clients and friends this last week. This arena is parenting. I generally don’t say anything about parenting or how people chose to raise their kids for two reasons. One, I think there are lots of ways to raise healthy happy kids and if they are loved and cared for, who is anyone to decided which is the best way. Two, I don’t have kids of my own, I know nothing about what it is like to be a parent and therefore feel I shouldn’t comment on the subject.

But last week as I sat with a single father of a teenage boy (the boy has some significant mental health struggles) and listened to him sob because of the guilt he felt for wanting to have a night away from his son and to be able to do something by himself even once in a while I thought to myself enough is enough. I also have friends who have children of varying ages and often feel as though they have to do everything for their kids and find a way for them to have everything they want, and to feel as though they can never have a girls night or a night out with friends because they are parents and they should be there for their kids. And to do otherwise causes some of my friends an intense level of guilt like they have failed as a parent.

Here is what I say to that client sobbing in my office and to all my friends that feel is way, your kids will survive I promise and you are not a bad parent for wanting to do adult things with other adults and leave your kids at home. In fact, it is good for you and probably good for your kids too. We take breaks from almost everything else in life, work, relationships, friends, etc why wouldn’t we take a break from your kids too?

You ARE NOT a bad person for needing a break.

 First and foremost this is a win win for you and your children. Your children win because if their parents are happy then they will be happy as well. Sometimes I think we forget how much our moods as adults can affect children. If you are constantly stressed out, tired, and generally frazzled, you children, regardless of their age, will pick up on this and it will begin to affect their well-being, they may start to feel stress or feel pressure to not upset you further. I think we can all agree that’s NOT what we are going for.

Second, it’s a win for you because you are attending to and taking care of the person that exists outside of being a parent. Despite having children and having that change your world in wonderful and challenging ways there is still a person outside of being a parent that needs time and attention. Whatever hobbies or interests you had before becoming a parent are still there and will mostly likely still bring joy to your life, which will probably make you happier and then you kids are happier. . .see how this circle is starting to come together.

Third, I think it’s good for kids to have some time away from their parents because it helps them learn to be respectful and listen to other adults not just their parents, and it give them an opportunity to learn to function in the world independently and way from their parents. And I know you all want that, my friends tell me all the time “I love my kids but when they are 18 they are moving out” this is often said in jest, but there is some truth in jest and if you want your kids out on their own, they have to start learning these things early and often.

 Now I know what some of you are saying. Andrea, this all sounds great but we don’t have a babysitter, we can’t afford a babysitter. Or maybe it’s that the kids have so many activities that you can’t find a night away. Or maybe for you it’s the guilt I was talking about earlier and you feel that unless you have a good reason or event you don’t have a right to have a night “off” from parental responsibilities. Allow me to address each of these individually.

First of all depending on the age of your children you might not need a babysitter at all. I will not presume to know what is best for you or your children nor will I arbitrarily pick an age and say that all kids are ready to stay home alone at that age. But what I will say is that when I was as young as 10 I was staying home alone with my younger sister for short periods of time (15-20 minutes) while my parents ran errands and we built up from there. If you do need a babysitter there are lots of ways to find a good babysitter you can trust, websites, talk to other parents, local agencies that teach babysitting classes. If you can’t afford a babysitter who do you know that would help out? You might be surprised. I often watch a friend’s child so that she and her husband can have a date night. I love spending time with their son and so really it’s as much for me as them. You never know who might be willing to help until you ask.

 Now if the issue is that you are spending all of your time taking kids to activities several nights of the week I would gently suggest taking a look at trimming down the number of activities. I could write a whole separate post about that but I will save that for another time. If trimming down the number of activities isn’t an option it might be time to start investigating getting a car pool going. That way you aren’t responsible for taking kids to practice EVERY night and simultaneously helping other parents find some down time as well. Then you know where your kids are safe and sound and you can have some time with a spouse or a friend.

Finally, the guilt. I don’t know when in our society we decided that it was okay to judge parents for how they raise their kids and how they chose to take care of themselves. Like I stated above I don’t have kids of my own but my understanding is that they are supposed to be a joy that adds to your life not an 18 year prison sentence that requires you giving up every other part of your being. I came from a home with two working parents that were involved in community activities and committees that took them away from home at night and we were regularly left with a babysitter so that my parents could do things socially. I am also a fully functional adult with a master’s degree who has a job and does not begrudge my parents for not spending every waking moment by my side. Guilt is probably the hardest of these to overcome, but remember this, your kids WILL be okay for a few hours now and then without you. And you will be a HAPPIER parent if you take care of the man/woman behind the parent. So give yourself permission to take a break regardless of what anyone else thinks. . .YOU DESERVE IT!!!!

Please note that as I stated above I am NOT a parent, I don’t pretend to be an expert on the subject, and I am CERTAINLY not telling anyone how to raise their children. This blog is based solely on my experiences working as a therapist and with friends that have children.

Tips for Coping with Mixed Emotions

Recently I was approached by a friend that works for a local university and asked if I would be willing to teach a few courses in their undergraduate psych program. I answered yes almost immediately and was super excited to start looking at textbooks and start building these courses. I have taught before, but due to the circumstances I was pretty much handed the course and didn’t really get to make it my own. This was my chance to build this class from scratch and make it my own, and the prospect was exciting.

The weeks went by and the quest for textbooks hit some bumps, and finally now about 6 weeks after I was initially approached to teach, the syllabus was due to the school and I attended my first training on learning how to use the software for online courses. And the unmitigated excitement has turned into waves of pure anxiety. All the what ifs start swirling, what if I don’t know what I’m talking about? What if the students think I’m an idiot? What if the university thinks I’m an idiot? What if I make a fool of myself? And on and on and on the questions go. Slowly this thing I once had so much excitement for now seems big and scary and part of me wants to run and hide.

How does that happen? How can we have such excitement, joy, and eagerness to take on a new adventure, only to have it suddenly change into intense fear bordering on panic? Well the simple answer is that new is often anxiety provoking. When we embark on something new we are leaving our comfort zone and that by nature tends to put us on high alert for everything that could potentially go wrong, and you are putting yourself at risk to fail. But wait what about all the excitement from the beginning? Well that’s pretty simple to, new things can often be exciting, thinking about how you will feel if things go well and the fun you will have in the process.

Now wait a minute, if there are simple answers to both questions then why do I feel so crazy? Well the problem is when both feelings start coming at the same time. Mixed emotions. Mixed emotions are a normal part of life but man they can be confusing and tough to deal with at times. I don’t know about you but there are times when having mixed emotions about a situation makes me feel like I am losing my mind because the emotions are so intensely opposite of each other. There are a few things that seem to work really well for me when my emotions get a little mixed and intense. Here they are in no particular order.

• Remind myself my feelings are valid. My emotions may be mixed and intense at times, but there is a reason I am feeling all the things. I am REALLY excited to teach this winter, and I should be. It’s something new and different where I get to talk about things I love, of course that is exciting. At the same time there are going to be a group of students looking to me as somewhat of an expert on this course content and I never think of myself as an expert in anything and so that can be a stressful position to be in. Of course I’m going to feel some anxiety. Both of those feelings are a valid response to this situation, they just happen to be in opposition to each other.

• Breathe. Sometimes I get myself so worked up over all the stress and excitement of a situation that I forget to breathe. Often times all I need, all any of us need, is to take a few deep breaths. You know the kind that goes all the way into your belly. Deep breathing forces your body to slow down, and works against the fight or flight response that comes with anxiety and causes your breathing to become faster and more shallow. There is a favorite video of mine on YouTube that teaches a super simple breathing exercise. I’ll link that HERE.

• Take it one thing at a time. Whether that thing is one step, one task, or one day at a time, take things as they come. Right now I can’t do anything about the fact that some of my students may not think I am the coolest professor they have ever had. All I can do right now is prepare to teach this class to the best of my ability. Looking over the text and other material etc. I can’t deal with how the students react to me until class has actually started, so I try to remind myself to focus on what I can control now and deal with the rest as it comes.

• Be kind to myself. It is easy to get wrapped up in the tasks that need to get done and wrapped up in simply surviving the anxiety and excitement I am feeling. And when things don’t go as well or as fast as I want it to I start coming down on myself. Which in the end only serves to heighten the angst. In the midst of any of the crazy mixed emotions life throws at me it’s important for me to remember to take a step back and be patient and kind with myself and to take care of myself. Whatever that means to each of you take care of yourselves when things are stressful.

As I continue down this road towards teaching in January and work through the holiday season to get ready, the mixed emotions will continue to rise and fall. The first week of class I will probably spend the first couple of days feeling sick to my stomach and fighting the anxiety using all the things I’ve outlined above. But one thing I always know for sure in these situations that provoke mixed emotions is that I am pushing myself in a new direction and outside of my comfort zone and even though that is uncomfortable I will be a better person on the other side because of it. The only way we grow and change is to get uncomfortable. But the reward is totally worth it.

 *** All images from Google images ***